Stress

Having all sorts of problems this week.

Have not receive money.
Unable to track my parcel that contains my jacket sold to a local customer in UK.
Slipped and fell down intro the drain in Pasar, hurt both legs.
Having health issues that may cause serious problems if not treated well.
Cannot register my graduation ceremony tickets because haven't receive money.
Cannot pay for all my boxes that needs to be shipped to Malaysia because of the same problem above.

Very very stress right now.

Very frustrated.

疗伤

说实在，能找到一个很爱很爱你的人真的很不容易。
太不容易了。

我真的喜欢，爱上的，5 ,6个。
只有两个真的很爱很爱我。
我非常清楚了解。

其他的，对我都不认真。

快让我疗伤成功吧。

Deadly Weapon

Competition, scores, levels, awards, status can become poison if you misused it.

Deadly weapon it is.

If you got the concept wrong.

I realised I am doing things out of track,

wrong, all wrong.

It may bring you to a higher level in your career.

May let you find your confidence.

 

But you're actually standing at the edge of the cliff if you're

addicted and got yourself into a wrong stage of competition.

I realised it quite late.

And I am fixing it late.

It kind of became an addiction.

It didn't bring me any good.

I need to stop this shit before it chokes me to death.

I am curious.

Aren't you competitive?

Kiasu

Sometimes I just feel this way towards certain kinds of friends.
Not because they are super great, or not great, or whatever,
skills and design level is not much of a problem that makes me kiasu.
It depends on WHO.

I don't know, I don't feel kiasu towards some really good friends..
What am i talking about?
I am not sure.
Depends on WHO lo.
I want people to know I can do better than you.
I want people to see something in me that you don't have.

Before this I had a major depression period, being kiasu.
But after talking to ma family and friends, it is solved.
Still, 30% -50% of kiasu-ness is still in me.

I am starting to feel uncomfortable with a few people.
Seriously what's wrong with me?

极度干燥

summer, 正是情侣拍拖的好时期。
也正是那些单身或好像我那样的人的寂寞时期。
极度干燥，极度寂寞。

好寂寞。

朋友都有男朋友。
没有男朋友的都出国／去玩了。
我窗外每天都有人享受阳光，踢球，BBQ等娱乐，一群一群的。

我整个flat,单身的一个，一个新来的，还有我。
其他的都是情侣，都去玩了。
能出去的都不在。忽然间我觉得好孤单。

哎。
如果我男朋友在这就好了。
那么好的天气，我也想像别人挽着男朋友的手臂，
舔着冰淇淋在阳光下散步。
或是躺在男朋友腿上看杂志，吃水果，画画。

你以为我不想认识一群老外然后去玩？
你以为每个老外都像美国人那么热情？那么容易咩？！
英国人真的。很够力passive. 不能熟起来。
尤其是我flat的，住我隔壁的回了ireland,平时都很难谈，
而且我的flat大家都很少煮饭，很少见到面。
我还真的以为我能和flatmate很熟很熟，成为好友之类的出去一日游。哼！
11-12个人有点太多，哪里像别的flat,人少比较容易接近，
我超羡慕我一些朋友的。

哎。哎。哎！！！！！！！

我不要去伦敦，我要储蓄呀。。。。。

Copy Cat

As someone in design industry, it's obvious that "copy cat"
is a really offensive thing to say.

Freaking pissed.

Yeah I know, you are better than me hell lot better than me in design, I admit yes.
Cannot compare. Cannot.
Even our idea is the same it's obvious people will remember you, not me.
Yes, you idea came out later than me but still you got the spotlight. yes.
Even the printing man thinks I stole your idea and freaking copy it.

C.O.P.Y C.A.T.

Became my title suddenly just because I print my things ONE DAY LATER
and out format of design is freaking same.
Fuck. These shit is serious to me.
This word. Is a deep ass scar in my life.
This scar is deeper than my ex's betrayal.

Freaking. Pissed.

I cannot stop comparing. YES.
And this drives me crazy and I suddenly have so much energy to
refine my work. Until the best I can achieve.
I can't believe it. I am not pissed because of that person's work.
I am pissed because of this copy cat things strikes, when I thought about
which work should I exhibit in my exhibition.
Seriously. I am really so damn mad.
Better design makes the bad one copy cat. fuck this shit.

If I exhibit mine, it is so memalukan.
Because mine is not as good as yours.
Because my finishing is not as good as you.
Then? what. People can simply say forget about it to me.
Yes forget. Sounds damn easy but sorry if you know what kind of person I am,
this doesn't apply, this is not comforting at all.
You are not suggesting any good thing to me.

copy cat. pff.
Just because I print one day later, and designed not as good as you.
I lost. I lost to you once again.

bad bad day

I can't believe it. Today is so unlucky.


My namecard should be here before 3 but delayed, to 5.30,
but in the end it's not here yet.
I cannot collect it tomorrow or monday because
the post office is not opening.
So I have to take a cab to the depot and collect it, then
travel to London to print my stuffs.

I got 3 projects to print.

The most gaolat thing is my namecard logo color
will be different from my other stationaries for now cause
its too expensive to print them. The only way to achieve is to
silk screen, which i don't have time, but will do it after this submission.
Well, yeah, this submission will be a submission, won't be my real thing.
The only real thing is the namecard.

Okay freaking pissed.
So in the end I cannot achieve same kind of gold for my logos.
The heck lecturer want me to pokai man.
To get good marks I have to follow a little, moreover
it is pretty in gold.
Whatever, and then one of my project not done so
I cannot insert into my portfolio.
So portfolio delayed.
Tomorrow will print every single thing man.
I DONT CARE ANYMORE.

Damn I still need to print labels cut and paste, write report and stuffs.
The heck. Previously wanted to do silk screen printing but they say
my stuffs are too small to be printed.
DAMN......... THEN HOW?!

Saw David and suhan's novel redesign holy shit beautifully done.
Although the money abit... AHHAHAHA.
Like rm1k for a book. I bo lui.
I hope everything I print for tomorrow won't exceed 100 pounds.
Cause seriously, I don't have much money left.

Another pissed thing is my laptop is ULTRA SLOW.
And sometimes will black out.
AND NO AUTO SAVE. DAMN.
I can't believe. updated but became slower.
I am so scared.
Shit I still need to compile my sketchbooks and research.
ADUHAI!!!!!

No idea

HOHOO

HEHEHEHE
/// ignore me ///

Blog to destress

A artwork for Jazz Spastiks by Oliver Barrett.

Been updating software and cleaning my desktop and folders.

Wow I feel so good right now, cause my folder ain't that messy anymore.

I changed my wallpaper after soooo long using my boy as my wallpaper.

HAHAHAHAHA.

(baby i will take more photos of you and use it...... XD)

STRESS

Seriously.
Too much stress for tonight and too much mood swing.
I can't help it, no one to comfort me no one can help me.

Oh man. I almost exploded.

My brain is so empty right now.
I can only listen to piano music right now.
I need to make some tea to chill. My eyes are going to burst soon if I don't to it.

霉梦

四天里我三天都有噩梦。

最经常梦到的是牙齿松弛，然后掉落。
平常时一颗，前天是两颗，一起掉。
满嘴是血，多恶心，味道多么臭腥。

昨天我梦见自己的四肢有着一点点的霉。
当触碰到这些像面包霉一样的东西后霉会突然不见，
留下红色的斑点。
我在梦里披着被单，穿着睡衣，着急地四处找我的老师。
这所“学校”很先进，有点像飞船，space ship, mother board那样,weird。
我在梦里的那种恐惧感没法形容。

多么恶心。我身体在发霉。

keyword : mold, fungus on skin, teeth loss.

I did some research about it. Yeah.
Now I see how my self esteem affects myself.

Seeing psychiatrist

让它随风而去。

不要紧张，这个人叫Csaba，不是我男朋友还是爱人什么的。

这个25岁的hungarian是我其中一位知音者，音乐方面，

平时都蛮长联络，但通常都是中午因为他要上班，我要做功课。

这个人瘦到我顶不顺，很够力，他比我还轻呢。

为什么我们那么谈得来？因为我们很像。

很明显不是外表身形，是性格很像。

很多方面，我们都蛮孤僻的。

其是不是寂寞，是真的喜欢自己一个。

有时候太多人真的应付不来。

8个人对我来说是一个很恐怖的数字，什么多过4／5我都有点怕。

自然反应，我在大队里话不多，真的不像中学，两回事。

我只喜欢参那几个，不多，舒服就好。

最近我真的很不喜欢出去。好久没看见我的同学了。

有些3个星期没看见了。有些1－2个月。

最近都是自己行动，最多和一个朋友走走，2个朋友站着谈天。

不懂？就是没什么想要出去，没什么想要说话。

Csaba很有压力，他有anxiety depression,他最近也乖乖的去看心理医生。

很好，看心理医生对我来说没什么，我觉得我以后也需要。

聊着聊着我也发觉到他说话有点慢，动作也是，根据了解他的问题的确能影响他的做事速度。

认识他后我觉得原来不只是我会这样，我们脾气还蛮像的。

我们的aura很像，calm咯。对别人说我们可能很平淡，无聊，无趣，木。

我自己都觉得别人会这样觉得。

我觉得我和他比起来我比较有活力，我不在很多人面前会这样，

很明显少数人可一看到我有活力的一面，因为我只能在

少数朋友面前自信。

没错我很自卑。

我不喜欢拍照，我不喜欢和男生一块，因为无论怎么样我都会觉得我

是那个最难看的，最不讨人喜欢的那个。

哼。家人都常常说我胖，没有人不说我。（最近姐姐们都没怎样，是我父母亲戚罢了）

我前男友因为我的样貌而有了第三者。

我的男性朋友们都很自率，虽然有时不直接但我是到他们觉得我不漂亮不苗条。

对待我的态度真的不怎么好，大多数是美女优先。

帮别的女生搬东西都不帮我，这多伤人？

你要我怎么自信？你要我怎么smile forever当作没看见没听见？

说过人肥婆的，请你认真想想你的这两个字有多么强大。

说过人丑的，请你看清楚被你说的人的眼神，人家是真的不介意，还是假装坚强而已。

你觉得讽刺不怎么样，开玩笑而已，但是有多少个人会真的不介意？

我和他聊着聊着，他开始觉得我也应该何人谈谈 － 见心理医生。

我知道。其实我有些问题我不大跟人说，但我知道我需要这方面的治疗。

不是我夸大，是我终于了解我的需要。和专业人士谈心不好吗？学校免费，更好。

趁我还在读书最要用尽这里的设备，给那么多钱就要这样做。

不用担心，我不会了结生命，我也许比较笨但是没那么蠢。

绝对，绝对不会。

和这个人在一起我不会觉得那么自卑，因为他也很自卑。

我们也是极度矛盾的人，没想到他也是如此。

不懂？我就觉得他好像我的分身。我看见他，就等于看见自己。

我才发觉到原来我给人感觉原来是那么一回事。

原来我那样子会让关心我的人担心。

原来自卑的人那么容易被人击败，那么软弱。

FAT!!!!!!

I SAID JAWLINE.
NOT CHEEKBONE.
OMGGGGGGGGGGG
SO FRUSTRATED MAN!!!!!!!

MY FLATMATE SAID IT'S FAT!!!!!
360 degrees FAT!!!!!

4am in LRC

YEAH MAN.
I am still there alone.
Sat from top floor part by part to the ground floor.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Change spot change feng shui for me to brain some ideas for my work.

USHH!!!!!!
did 21 pages of research and a bit of writings.
URGH!!!! BRAIN BRAIN BRAIN PLEASE WORK!!!!

Sometimes it is really hard to brain some extremely new ideas out of one brief.
Since 36 people in my class is working on the one I chose.
URGH, had some ideas but I heard some of them are using that as main concept.
HOW CAN!!!!! I can imagine how the identity works, but
people is using it. TO USE OR NOT TO USE?!

TO USE.
NOT TO USE.
TO USE.
OR NOT.

I am trying to brain some different ideas now.
Trying very very hard yo.
I don;thave tutorials tomorrow but still I decided to stay here.
GOT NO IDEA WHY.
Not much people now in LRC.
URGH!!!! I still have ohm, energy 30 minutes ago but now.
I CAN'T THINK.


/// funny ///

There's a few angmo at 1st floor, pushing one of their mate's chair
to the middle of the road while he is sleeping, lying down on 2 chairs.
AHHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHA OMG.
FUNNY SHIT!!!!!!
They saw me laughing at them downstairs.
HAHAHAHAHHAA.
WALAO EH they are so naughty. AHHAHA!!!
Made my midnight. HAHAHAHA!

2 months to final

This space outside the Art Gallery during summer will be nice.

HOTPOT!!!!!
a.k.a Steamboat!!!!!
They only know the term Hotpot here. HAHAHA!
Nah, malaysian gang's crave.
Must eat something chinese man, with tomyam soup base. WOOHOO!!

I've been sleeping super late recently.
Around 4-5 am everyday, and I realize my eye bags and
black eye is getting really serious now.
What to do, if you don't put more effort in this 3 projects,
you won't be able to even construct a portfolio for you future.
Can't save your ass if you work last minute.
So better stay up a little late to do more.

Now, we're have 3 projects on hand.
Not to forget, we need to adjust and reedit our old works to insert in our portfolio
for our identity design. HOLY SHIT.
3 projects due date on May!!!!
Left 2 months man!!!! I can really feel the super stress now.
And I am pretty on love with library even though it's a little crowded and noisy.
(as long as I have my headphones with me)

There's a handsome indian/pakistani graphic design year 2 student sitting beside me today in library.
I saw his nose side view and was like.... wow.... SO nice.....
And I can't believe he's younger than me (-_-)
Everyone here looks elder than us man, geez, really can't judge their age.

UHHH im so tired.
I am going to bed early today, 2.24 am now.
Time for bed. Didn't even sleep more than 4 hours yesterday.

Midnight rain

The small lil pathway that I need to use
in order to fo to LRC.
It's surrounded with woods, and it's so cold.

I came back to my room soaking wet.
But it's nice to walk under the rain at 4-5 am.

Don't let negativity blindfold you. 

 /// 4 am walk ///


I can't really sleep, so I decided to get some reference printed in LRC.
I sent of my documents online to print, all I need to do is to collect them.

Didn't expect to have rain, it was extra cold.
It's about 15 minutes walk to the LRC but I the route I usually take is under
services and blocked, so I have to walk back and take another way to LRC.
The woods. It's a little scary at night but ghosts doesn't bug me here in UK,
I simply don't feel anything about spirits here maybe cause culture and race difference.
Pretty depress, cause it's raining and I have to walk so long.
Oh well, my bad to not check my email they sent to all of the students
regarding the blocked road. Man.

It was so quiet until I find it sad to walk like this. Depress.

I go on youtube to checkout some songs and played while walking to the LRC.
Feels better but doesn't make much difference.
Sometimes I will do things like this out of no where, cause I can actually print or collect them
in the morning. Something just made me get my ass off from my chair.
That sudden mood, sudden urge to go out and feel some loneliness.
So I reached, Wailok (jayden) was waiting for me with my documents
cause I asked him to collect from the printer in case it's gone or mistaken by people.
After he passed me my stuffs, I didn't go home straight.
I chose a spot for me to sit down and lean against the wall around the main entrance.
The guard and a few people saw me sitting there, I bet they must be thinking
this girl's drunk or on drugs.

Part of the reason made me stay is because of I need to protect my documents.
Then... Simply feeling lonely and want to have some time alone outside.
To chill my mind. It's been a pretty stressful week.
Full of assignments and social problems.
So i just sat there, trying to leave my brain blank, but it's so hard.
Why can't women be like men, to have empty moments in our heads?
I can't even do that when I am about to sleep!

Lamiya posted on fb yesterday, about her should start giving a fuck on people's feelings.
My case is the opposite. It is so so so difficult okay?
I am trying..... Everyone knows that I care how people see me.
And you guys know how serious am I. (I am trying not to be serious.)
There's this song by Alaa Wardi made me sooooooo sad.
That arabian vocals are so nice. But that song. ITS LIKE TELLING ME WHAT I NEED TO DO.
IS IT A SIGN??!! ITS SO DIFFICULT.
I sat there, checking out people's instagrams, checking out my photo albums.
Scrolling scrolling... .. . Then I realize memories made us all weak and strong at the same time.
It's alright I am fine, I am doing good now, but you have to understand
we all have a little emotional time okay....
What a terrible week I had. No, it was just a a few days ago but it felt like
a week or more?
Plus my period is almost here, moodswing moodswing.
I think I need to start watching comedies, cartoons and movies.
Cause it makes difference actually!
Also, I have to think positively, so I am able to produce positive aura and then let things change right?
Thats what the book of secrets teaches us correct?

+ positive +

Whatever. Whatever what happen in the future, I must now concentrate in my damn project.
3 projects all must be handed in after 2 months. Scary...

I.. need... to... FOCUS.
FOCUS.FOCUS. AND FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS.
I must be rude for today.
I fucking hate the word "insight" from now on,
and people who think they know me very well.
Even my sisters don't know everything about me, okay?
Shut up before you pisses me off.
I may seem like pattern A on the surface but actually
I have a lot of different patterns you never knew.
And pattern A that you see, it's just a really really surface thing.
Only people who's really close to me knows what am I thinking.

There's this one mate who think she knows me so well. (not talking about suhan, halie nor any close mates back in malaysia)
She kind of know 10% of me but she acts like she knows me so well.
Stop saying I am checking my angmo classmates out.
I am not interested. PLEASE. You think my time are 99% on guys?
PLEASE. I may on my scanner often but please, not always and everyday okay.
And you obviously don't understand which type I fancy  >: (

Now I realize, I can't have many close friends.
I will only have 1-2 in the end. Who knows my stuffs really well.
Cause it's really about the feeling you hangout with certain people.
Some people will have the feeling of making you split out your
history and true shitty stories. I don't usually do that.
Sigh. It's good. I have great close friends. I love you guys.
Thanks for always cheering me up.
I don't actually have time like this, it's rare.
But it's good, it releases my stress out loud.
It's been a long time I haven't transform myself into a gorilla.
:')

number 1

It's so good to have a friend who studies psychology.
I think I will really be her number 1 patient forever.

Jiayin, thanks man.

Gorilla

Since young my sisters always call me ape/gorilla.
Cause I look like one they say.

And today, I felt this way.


Was talking on phone with suhan, releasing stress,
and I was like shouting all the way,
FORKKKK!!!! MADDA!!!!
TAMADA!!!!
OMG IM SO STUPID!!!!
HOLY SHIIIITTTTT!!!!
WALAO EHHHHH!!!!
URGGHHH!!! ARGHH!!! OHHHRRGGGHHH!!!


Yeah man.
And I also opened my window.
So that my voice won't stuck in my room affecting my mates only.
AHHAHAHA what a shitty mate they got here.
Luckily my neighbor is not in, but I think the others heard me for a while.
I LOVE IT. I LOVEEEE IT.
I FELT SO GOOD AFTER SHOUTING.


/// all above happened before the blog post before this ///

英国的第一个过客？

我告诉大家我和这位朋友的事了，大家都说他不值得要，
连我妈妈都劝我说别为这个人伤心了。
我也告诉了我男朋友，大家都觉得我太善良了，一直为他找借口，
一直怪自己，像盲人似的没有方向。

开玩笑。陈安琪几时那么冲动，那么盲目？
那么久了，这还是我第一次做那么疯狂的事.
不过还好啦，年轻嘛。

也还真的没想到这个人会那么极端。
他还真的以为我什么法律都不清楚。
你觉得我的人脉有那么小没有？？？
我是陈老板的女儿好不好，多少都有遗传他的一些
优良基因。HAHAHAHAHA！！！
（我只有在这里那么不要脸。因为不太多人看到。哈哈哈哈！）
哼，我没事，才不会有事。
。。。。。。。。呵呵呵呵。。。。
我没那么容易。
所以说，人，要郊游广阔，intelligence和power必须要balance.


哈哈，原本这篇是很长的但是找人说说，
这里诉苦一下，那里说说一下我没事了。
原来我有事的时候找人说说就会好多了。
I'm feeling alright now!!!
其实也还是件很简单的事，是我想太多，顾虑太多。
此事放一边，最重要是我能深一层了解我的弱点。
太容易被人欺负，太容易妥协。
其实都有好处，那样活得比较自在，因为不太计较。

想来想去，也不是想要怪这个人。
使他不会做出对的行动，不能怪他，他长大的环境没能让他
了解放下尊严有多重要，宽容耐心多重要。
没关系，等到他有一天反省了，可能他才会了解这件事让大家
造成多少误会和矛盾。可能到呢一天他会后悔呢。
等他想通了，就证明他成长了。
我们每个人都希望地球人能成为更好的人吧。
虽然他很伤人，让我好费力，但是原谅吧。
原谅他人会让我好过一些。
我有我的错，放下一切道歉了真的会好很多哦。
管他懂不懂他自己有没有错，管他要不要继续和我做朋友，
最重要是对得起自己。到头来获益的是自己。

虽然这个人行为很够力极端，但是他之前真的对我很好很照顾我。
我也能知道这人到底是怎样的，我懂要怎样面对他。
也许他真的会成为过客，或可能还会是朋友。
无所谓了。学业比较重要！
冲！！！！！！！！！！

Printing

david's grime poster behind. HAHAHA
the one with illustration.
test print session.

At Panopus.
I wonder why they use this icon as their logo.

So we found a not bad printer, has good customer service and not that expensive.
We found a few and was like. URGH, attitude problem/ price problem.
Some got their book bind for 200 pounds, some printed little stuffs but cost approx 60 pounds.
It's soooooooo expensive here.
We need to cut our own paper too.
Unlike those in KL, all a3 SRA3 all prepared, book binding, print on sticker, print namecard whatever effect
all can be done in one single shop.
Even print in badges stuffs all included.
Unlike here bro. Appreciate those printers in Malaysia.
PLEASE DO.