I just cant stop struggling between graphic and illustration

Always always always...
I am always behaving like this.
Since when I cannot decide and satisfy of what I'm doing right now?

Illustration pathway's assignments are very tempting every time I heard them talking about it.
Doesn't mean I dislike graphic pathway but..
I can feel that I like to illustrate more.
Am I too selfish?
Lecturer was right last sem before choosing our pathway.
He says designers that can illustrate and do graphic design will be laku.
He suggest me to try on graphics.
Yes. Laku is laku. But somehow I can feel that my design sense is worse than illustration sense.
And talking about portfolio, I can feel that I'm actually digging my own grave.
You know what I mean?
If say I can do better in illustration, i think my portfolio can be better than now.
Not sure but still, I feel that I can do better in illustration pathway.

That time, I decided to go GD cause I suck in it and I wanted to learn more about it.
Or couse to improve my design skills.
I am trying hard to improve but seems that everything doesn't flow so well.
Cause?
Personal issue or maybe I do suck in GD.
I did hell lots of researches on GD and I really wanted to improve more like BOOM!!!!
I am not sure about now but obviously my hand craft finalisation works really..
Awful.

Talking about interest, yes both.
But I feel more relaxed in doing illustrations.
Is this a big problem?
I am not sure why I feel stress every time I open Illustrator.
My skills are to sucky and make me stress? Maybe.
It's to digitalized? Maybe.

Who doesn't use computer in refining works now....-_-)

But every time I hand draw something, I feel good about it.
Because I am good in it? (not so say good but better than GD?) Maybe
Because thats my hobby and interest? Maybe.
I often feel damn excited when I heard what are they doing.
I felt damn curious and energetic.
But when I receive GD's assignment brief.....
It's totally the other way round.
Stress is the only thing in my mind.

Question is.
Am I putting myself in a complicated situation?
Do I wanna do something I less like in future?
Should I do something I am good at?
Should I make my hobby, interest as a career?


What's wrong with me?
What's my problem??
I don't even know what do I want for now and future.
Some ass made my vision blur and now I am seriously confused and helpless.
And that big bad ass is myself.